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A recapitulation of criticism against the theory of childhood - Ari Rahikkala
August 24th, 2008
10:19 pm

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A recapitulation of criticism against the theory of childhood
The theory of childhood, also known as child origin, is a damnable, loathsome and indefensible lie. How can any thinking person suppose all humans used to be babies once? Just consider these arguments:

There is no development path from babies to adults, no transitional forms between these two species. Show me even one baby with the head of a grown man on his body. Can you? No? Not even a bearded toddler? No adults with unfused skullbones, outside unfortunate disorders? Not even a tiny little newborn girl suddenly sprouting a respectable bosom? You can't find them, because they don't exist. There isn't a single transitional form between children and adults, and you will never find one because the theory simply is an unscientific lie.

The development of children has been well-researched in our six-month study following a sample of one thousand children and adults of various ages. We have conclusively proven that while there are minor changes in features like height and body fat, and replacement of deciduous teeth with permanent teeth, incontravertibly still every creature in the study that started out as a child had only slightly more adult features at the end of the observation period than at its beginning. Children and adults are separate kinds and there will never be sufficient changes to change one into the other. We reject any evidence from longer-term studies as we believe the laws of physics have changed within the last year.

To claim people come from children is demeaning and morally degrading. We have observed how children behave. If we acted like small children we'd all be demanding and impatient, and we'd be cheating, lying, and stealing from each other all the time. If the theory of childhood were true there would be no morality, and with no morality to build one on, no society. Childhood is a wicked lie used by charlatans to justify evils such as public schools.

There is no consensus on the theory of childhood in the scientific community. We should teach the controversy. Our children will be served well to learn that the prospect of them becoming adults is merely a theoretical idea. Many children come from families that do not subscribe to the theory of childhood, and they could be disturbed if the theory were taught as fact.

(33 comments)

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From:xuenay
Date:August 24th, 2008 10:27 pm (UTC)
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That was brilliant.
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From:little_ribbit
Date:August 25th, 2008 12:01 am (UTC)
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Beautiful.
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From:gryphonavocatio
Date:August 25th, 2008 12:09 am (UTC)
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"We reject any evidence from longer-term studies as we believe the laws of physics have changed within the last year."

Thanks for that line, because that's all I can think of when I hear real arguments like this.
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From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:09 am (UTC)

kiitos

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nice work
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From:thoughtsfromid
Date:August 25th, 2008 05:55 am (UTC)
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Beautiful.
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From:hectigo
Date:August 25th, 2008 09:27 am (UTC)
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Great writing, indeed. :)
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From:lordlucan
Date:August 25th, 2008 04:53 pm (UTC)
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Nicely done! I just wish I had two heads so I could take two hats off to you! :)
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From:miizou
Date:August 25th, 2008 09:59 pm (UTC)
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Now we only need more creationists to read this as well. =D
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From:berniemoulins
Date:October 9th, 2008 02:52 pm (UTC)
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We need more than change. We need a full-blown turnaround plan and a leader capable of executing it.
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From:cakoluchiam
Date:August 26th, 2008 04:43 pm (UTC)
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I would like to call into question to the theory of death.

Edited at 2008-08-26 04:49 pm (UTC)
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From:(Anonymous)
Date:September 4th, 2008 07:45 pm (UTC)
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You are awarded one internets. Congratulations.
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From:(Anonymous)
Date:September 6th, 2008 12:15 am (UTC)
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I think theory of childhood is a pretty cool guy. eh satires creationists and doesnt afraid of anything.
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From:totnesmartin
Date:September 6th, 2008 08:25 pm (UTC)
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RW? ;)
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From:sallymainord
Date:October 9th, 2008 03:49 pm (UTC)
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As most of us know, one of the things that makes Canada unique is that we’re a nation whose creation does not stem from violence via war or revolution.
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From:apathyincarnate
Date:September 6th, 2008 08:54 am (UTC)
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Do you mind if I metaquote that?
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From:ari_rahikkala
Date:September 6th, 2008 12:41 pm (UTC)
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Be my guest :).
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From:totnesmartin
Date:September 6th, 2008 08:25 pm (UTC)
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Mind if I link to the end creationism comm?
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From:ari_rahikkala
Date:September 6th, 2008 09:00 pm (UTC)
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Hey, it's the world wide web, linking is what it's about ;).
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From:raikoala
Date:September 7th, 2008 10:59 am (UTC)
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And the end creationism comm says "YAY!"

Brilliant parody, and thanks totnesmartin for the link!
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From:trinalin
Date:September 7th, 2008 01:50 pm (UTC)
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Seconded. Very nice parody. :-) I sent it off to my dad to enjoy.
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From:totnesmartin
Date:September 16th, 2008 08:31 pm (UTC)
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From:phyxius
Date:September 13th, 2008 07:22 am (UTC)
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xposting to atheist and antitheism, assuming you dont mind....


Perfect analogy!!!
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From:lightning_rose
Date:September 7th, 2008 03:42 pm (UTC)
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Most excellent!

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From:maureenlycaon
Date:September 8th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
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You have been Pharyngula'd. (And I join in the chorus of praise for this supernaturally awesome parody.)
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From:jokermage
Date:September 8th, 2008 05:48 pm (UTC)
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Brilliant!
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From:saint_gasoline
Date:September 9th, 2008 12:14 am (UTC)
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You've officially won the internet. It shall be presented to you by Al Gore next week.
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From:mandydax
Date:September 9th, 2008 04:18 am (UTC)
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This is brilliant; well done!

PS: You've been Pharyngulated via the metaquotes comm. :D Congrats!

Edit: bad tags! bad!

Edited at 2008-09-09 04:18 am (UTC)
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From:(Anonymous)
Date:September 9th, 2008 10:00 am (UTC)

Sauceress

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Good stuff!
Have you considered submitting this to Science Creative Quarterly?

Cheers
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From:ari_rahikkala
Date:September 9th, 2008 05:51 pm (UTC)

Re: Sauceress

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I don't believe in submitting things to places ;).

Well, I do, but not a couple of paragraphs I happened to throw out on my blog. The Internet can take care of publishing it (and already has). They're free to run it if they like, and so's everyone else...
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From:threshar
Date:September 9th, 2008 01:31 pm (UTC)
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Thanks for this analogy. I think it is epically perfect!

DOWN WITH CHILDHOOD THEORY!
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From:catsittingstill
Date:September 10th, 2008 04:26 pm (UTC)
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Wow :-)
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From:volandum
Date:September 10th, 2008 09:25 pm (UTC)
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Awesome, added to memories.
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From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 13th, 2009 06:06 pm (UTC)

splendid article!

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remembers me of the so called "sorites paradoxon" ...
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